Before it Sets You Free; Your Truth Must Be Reclaimed.
*Trigger warning, my story contains reference to abusive relationships and trauma.
Before it Sets You Free; Your Truth Must Be Reclaimed.
*Trigger warning, my story contains reference to abusive relationships and trauma.
I wrote this reply in a forum and I feel like it is important so I am sharing here in my newsletter. Childhood trauma caused shame that impacted my career and it took a mental health leave for me to begin to heal. The journey has been life changing already and I have a long way to go. I share my story in hope that others will, as my mentor Rúna says “ask bigger questions.”
—We are more powerful than we believe.
Hey there, this is an old post but I hope you see this reply.
I am 41 and have a similar story to you as far as background and upbringing.
When I was 28, I had 2 kids with a man who was abusive. It got really bad before I left. I had to realize the strength was inside of me and I had to believe it.
When I left, I was running on pure adrenaline for the next decade.
I had to make sure that we had a good life and no one was going to make that happen but me. I was successful, wildly, and completely burned out.
Burnout got so bad I took a mental health leave.
I started inspecting why men who got loud in business meetings caused me to react like a scared child. I started introspecting why the violence of our neighbors fighting caused me to curl into a fetal position with visceral fear.
Long story that continues to unfold but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. You might not feel strong but you are way stronger than you can imagine. You might not feel worthy but no one gets to decide that except you.
Trigger warning, you maybe masking other traumatic events that are causing your (commonly called) people pleasing behavior. Women with sexual violence, especially as children, tend to associate safety with everyone around them being emotionally regulated.
I realized the connection in myself when I stopped cooking because I was finally in a relationship that is safe enough to let me realize that I do not need to act like a slave to be safe and for my partner to stay with me.
Be prepared for the hard parts about realizing some of this. The good parts outshine any of the darker ones.
One example, my body is starting to feel like my own body the more that I realize the things in my life that hold so much shame where not done by me but to me.
Especially those that happened to me as a child, of which I can only catch fleeting glimpses of and mostly have internalized into disconnection from parts of my body.
You can take your agency back. Practice trusting and being gentle with yourself even in small ways.
I hope this helps you and anyone else out there who is experiencing something similar. Remember, the great and wise Brené Brown says “Shame hates having words wrapped around it.”
Your story is power. No one owns it or you. You have what you need and you have the right to choose your path. Seek help and do not stay silent if you are in an abusive relationship.
Much love and gratitude.
—SuperSonic 🐞
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